Day 16 - Muay Thai

I slept pretty well, as you can imagine, apart from one incident where Lewis was carried in to the room by two guys from the dorm above, he apparently had lost the ability to work the key / lock and had decided to fall asleep on the floor outside, lucky for him he was now a local hero, for waking up on another island, and the guys knew where he needed to be. After quietly putting him into his bunk the guys decided to have a nice loud chat in the middle of the dorm, it is worth noting that we were gaining new room mates all the time, and a couple were on a bed opposite, they looked chuffed to bits about the interruption to their sleep.

The morning came and went, and by noonish I was up and ready for food. Over in the hostel bar they do a good coffee and a natter, so we headed over there to check emails, skype, whatsapp, facebook etc, it is a busy bustling office of gossip, and exaggerated stories from the night before. Our new room mates consisted of two Oz girls one is more chatty than the other, the less chatty one is really hot young but hot, I shall call her Hot Sheila. The couple, Amy and Rob, Amy is a pretty'girl next door'. big eyes and loads of freckles (mum used to tell me that freckled were where the sun had kissed me, it is a nice way of saying she had failed to shade me from the cancerous UV rays) Amy regularly laughs at my attempt at humour so I'd marry her tomorrow if it wasn't for beefcake Rob, a man's man that I later find out doesn't do anything in small measures...you are having a bucket of alcohol  he'll have two, you are having a 'shake' he'll smash three of them and a bucket. Good lad. 

Luckily for us all, Amy is sensible and can carry a camera, knows when to stop drinking and can often be heard 'tutting' under her breath as Rob dribbles into his 4th bucket with a smile on his face. 

During the extended board meeting we decided that a repeat of yesterday, while fun would cost a small fortune and is probably not too good for your body, so we opted to go to the Thai boxing fight that was being held just out of town about 20 mins walk from us. It was £3 for back row seats and the beer there wasn't pricey. We headed to the pool and spent the day being calm and catching some sun. Janita, a lone traveller from Holand had come to Koh Phangan, we had met her while having breakfast in Bangkok. From her story she was on a 'journey' like mine, getting away from 'life' to clear her head and have a break. She had decided to come to the full moon party and thanks to Sabina the landlady she was staying about 50 m down the road in another hostel for the night, so we had a new member of 'Team Hostel'

Throughout the day we ate a drank fluids preparing us for a quiet 'family night' watching a few people beat 50 shades of shit out of each other, starting with the kids section, kids as young as 15-16. It looks pretty hard core, but the ref was careful with the kids, more careful than with the adults later. Several matches passed, we all sat there and from time to time screamed, we were all deciding who would win during the pre fight prayers / meditation that all the fighters go through. This ritual consists of touching all the ropes, and giving thanks to each corner, thanking their trainers, Buddha and their family. I used a very technical method to predict the winner based on the Welsh flag and the colour of the fighters shorts with consideration given to the underdog factor. If everyone picked the mean looking guy in blue shorts, I picked red, if someone with green shorts appeared, I picked him. 50% of the time it worked all of the time, I felt like I was cheating with such a great 'system' so I didn't put money on the fights.
The final fight was the one that really stood out. An Israeli guy v a far smaller Thai lad. There must have been 3 (20kg) stone difference and about 3" (7.5cm) of height. The large Israeli population of Phangan's full moon party made a lot of noise, they were jumping up and down, waving flags, and grabbing the mic from the commentator to sing songs. They looked like they were having too much fun and for my Arab comrades I decided to back the smaller Thai guy. I saw one of these lads fight in Phi Phi and they may be small but they are nutters. The fight was a long one, the Israeli was clearly stronger, but less fit, the Thai lad was all over the place, a few punches looked like they'd have knocked out a 'normal' guy but the dopy skinny Thai lad was always back up and ready for the next barrage, then finally in what seemed like the 140th round, the Israeli just gave up. Litrerally, no blood, not even stumbling, he hadn't taken a punch in a while, he just signalled that he'd had enough. What a fanny. The Israeli crowd soon shut up and headed off to drown their sorrows by singing in someone's face and annoying other holidaymakers.
By now I was up for a crafty Shake or maybe a beer or two, so team 'Hostel' headed for the beach. And before long people were flaking out, calling it an early night, Janita and I made it to the Kangaroo bar, but I couldn't manage a Shake, in fact the beer I was drinking seemed to be a bit of a struggle. We talked for a while and before long we walked back to our hostels. Something in my belly wasn't quite right.

I published this without an important part of the evenings events being added. During the night, while I was asleep Hot Sheila came in totally ruined, off her trumpet on buckets of alcohol, and, during the night fell out of bed (top bunk), naked. She hit the floor like a sack of potatoes and decided to bend over in front of Rob in the dim light that made it through the ill fitting dorm door and try and pick up her shorts. I obviously engaged my 'go go gadget night vision', and managed to grab a few fleeting images for the 'bank' but before long she was back in bed. Instead of just going to sleep she stood up wobbling all over the place and tried to sort out her sheets. She was off her trolly. But the main thing was that most of us had an eyeful and went to sleep dreaming of naked Hot Sheilas.

The annoyingly good looking Rob and Amy...Gits. (note the Roger Ramjet chin on Rob)

From 12:00 Mad Lewis McFlicknife, Amy, Rob, Sameep, Janita, someone.

Day 15 - Tripping Balls

We woke up and the only other bed that is occupied in the 12 bed dorm is empty, the guys clothes are there but no sign of him. We mentioned this to Sabina, and we all came to the same conclusion, he pulled. Or is dead. Sameep and I headed off for some breakfast, I went straight in for the Thai food, Sameep had some nuts and lentels or something that vegetarians eat and we made a decision to hit the beach.

I had my swimming shorts on and the sight of those waves had been on my mind all night, I couldn't wait to jump about in them. Before that we had one thing to do, have a shake each. At the far end of the beach is the Kangaroo bar, a large balcony with mats on the floor and fans. Nobody up there is, well, all there, it is the place peoples sanity goes to rest. It is also the place to get a Spacial shake. We wandered in and met some Irish lads all in the same boat as me, pasty white and starting on their first shake, we knocked back the ice cold minced gravel in a cup and before long the call of the water was too much. I headed down and started porpoising through the waves with the grace of a Dolphin caught in a tuna line. After what seemed like half an hour of jumping about it became apparent that the euphoria of being tumbled about in the waves wasn't just because I hadn't done it for years. I popped my head up out of the surf and noticed something... the contrast had been turned up, everything green was, too green, every colour looked like your grandad had been at your TV settings... cool.

I spotted Sameep coming back from an attempt to get a ball or frisbee to throw about, as frolicking in the sea appears weird unless there is a bat or a ball involved. He was empty handed so I porpoised over to the shore to find out what his adventure had turned out to be. "Dude, I got lost, and I'm tripping balls." Let me draw a street map of the area ______|_____, one road with a T junction. Sameep isn't exactly Christopher Columbus, but even he should be able to navigate that. We sat on the sand and he explained what was going on, for him "Everything is bending, its trippy, but good," I had no idea what he was talking about. He said " look at this shell on the sand," I did, and sure enough within seconds, it looked like there was a crab or something pushing the sand slightly from below, it wasn't much movement for me, but for Sameep it was all over the place. We sat and chilled for a bit and before long a board meeting had convened, and we had decided head back, get some more food then attack the Kangaroo bar again later.

Back at the hostel, our room mate was there, we asked him how his night went and it appears we have the king of the party scene with us. After arriving from the UK, he was shattered and decided that rather than just go to sleep he'd have a crafty beer and reccy the area. A beer turned into a bucket and that was the last thing he remembers before waking up on Ko Samui, a neighbouring island. And by neighbouring I mean an hour on a boat. Aparently he woke up next to a fully dressed Whale, she pointed him in the direction of the pier and with no money and his new room key lost to Davy Jones' locker he begged for the money to get himself home. A friendly American lad hooked him up and after a ride back to the pier, then a taxi back to the hostel he was back. Mad bastard. He was tucked up in bed trying to work out what had happened when we popped our heads into the dorm to change out of our wet clothes.

We all went for dinner and with the extra vote from our new board member, we returned to the Kangaroo bar. The Irish lads were still there, in the same place, burnt and looking like 50 shades of shit. I have never seen lads look so rough but still have beaming smiles on their faces.

I roared into another shake, Sameep smashed the back doors off of his and our new friend Lewis hoovered his up. Before you could say 'Compus' we were all laughing our heads off and staring at the lights on the now dark beach. I ran onto the sand to draw a 25ft 'knob' all the time giggling like a little girl. I ran back up to take a picture of my amazing artwork and Lewis past me on the steps, he was going to pose on the end of it... I took the pic with tears of laughter running down my face, but apparently you need light for cameras to work, so take my word for it, it wasn't funny. You'd need two shakes and a couple of beers to really appreciate the artwork. The rest of the night was blurry, but my abs were killing me in the morning, I had been laughing till my stomach ached for hours. Top night. We headed to our beds and at some point I got split up from the guys, but Sameep wasn't far behind, however our mad friend Lewis was missing... again.

This is what I look like after a 'special shake'...

Dad would be so proud.

Irish lad number one asleep but conversing with people like he knows what's going on.

Sameep looking content with life / the railing in front of him

Irish lad number 2 unable to stop smiling.

Irish lad number 3, throwing some gang signs.

Day 14 - Mush mush to the full moon.

An early start was in order to catch the boat to Ko Phagnan the home of the full moon party we checked out and decided to walk the 300m to the docks in stead of waiting for the taxi / pickup truck. We arrived near the docks and had a traditional Ko Tao breakfast of Coffee, Bacon, Sausage and eggs.... Sameep had some vegetarian thing... leaves and some berries I think. Before long, some searching, a little confusion that is expected with every journey we were on the boat and heading to Ko Phangan. The boat was full which was a good sign... What was a bad sign was that it was full when it arrived to pick us up with people evacuating the island... Sameep and I were slightly anxious. The crossing was interesting, we opted for the air conditioned room, however, even sat at the front of the cabin where the blowers were as powerful as an asthmatic blowing at you through a drinking straw. After sitting there and getting used to the gentle waft of hot breath in my face, a member of the crew came to the room and started taking 20 baht (40p) for the added comfort of the waftage... Cheeky turds. We headed off out to the deck to catch some sea breeze and as it turns out, to get sea water and rain sprayed in our faces. Not the most comfortable crossing I have ever had, but it was interesting. 

On arrival in Ko Phagnan a taxi took us and about 4 women to various hotels hostels and crapholes along the coast. Eventually we arrived at "The Hostel" we were about 20m from the beach and pretty close to the epicentre of where all the action was going to take place in 4 days time. After putting our bags in the room, a 12 bed dorm, and starting up the A/C we headed to the bar and had a chat with the landlady to find out what the score was, where to go and what to look out for. We spotted an advert on the door before we left the room offering "special shakes". Sabina, our landlady made us one, advising that if it was your first time, it might be be worth sharing one. We did... nothing happened. We walked along what appeared to be the nicest beach so far, big rolling waves and pretty clear water, there was about 30 people on the entire beach which stretched for over 500m. There was a few duchbags kicking about but nothing too bad. It was going to be a quiet night, we had a candle light meal on the beach, like a couple of bum bandits, and after a cheeky bucket of alcohol we were back in our room. Oddly enough a guy that moved in a few hours after we had arrived hadn't returned to his bed all night... in fact when we woke the next morning he still wasn't there...He had obviously pulled one of the mannitees that was sunbathing on the beach... Good lad.

Sameep enjoying a rude joke or some 'in joke' that I can't share with you all.

Day 13 - Tong Ting and Ting Tong

After breakfast we ignored the offers of taxis every 20ft and decided to walk based on a faith that the places wasn't that far. It appears that people in Thailand don't like walking, in fact a moped gets used for journies from 20km to 20m, and mopeds are used to carry anything from 11 members of your extended family, to bridge supports and construction materials. Helmets aren't required, but then, neither is a test. They are treated like bicycles that need no effort.
We decided that we weren't going to slum it, we had 5 days booked on Koh Phangang in a 12 room hostel, so for 2 nights we could afford to have a nice place. We shopped around till we met the Koh Tao's answer to P Diddy. He showed us a cheap room, that "smelled" and then there was the more expensive "no smell" room. We asked if there was a better room and for the equivalent of £20 each we could have something looking like the honeymoon suite. We 'ummed' and 'arred' till he said that the only other rooms being used on the floor was by 10 Swedish women. Knowing we were being duped we threw our money at him and got the room for two nights. It was right on the beach, views of the sea, mountains, an air conditioning unit that could freeze a polar bear and a communal balcony that would provide great views of the sunsets. We grabbed a beer and sat on the balcony and had our board meeting. Slowly the Swedish turned up and after a chat involving the usual travelling questions 1) Where are you from ? 2) How long have you been here ? 3) How long are you travelling for ? They highly recommended we went to the Cabaret night a mimed show that is performed by Thai lady boys. It sounded like fun, and was free to enter. I'll include some pictures, And let you make up your own mind about how the night went.

Sameep, Frank, Mileage and Madam Blam respectively.

The boys in action

One of the singers

The Swedish birds

Sameep and I bored.

This is a picture of the best looking women there.

Day 12 - Koh Tao or bust.

In true Mileage / Sweet style, we left the planning of our journey to Koh Tao to the last minute and after a day in the sun, a couple of crafty beers, we went to the travel agent carrying our lives on our backs and asked if we could travel the 300km + to Koh Tao . Turns out that there is a ferry / bus / overnight ferry running that night. Yet again we land on our feet.
I pop into the chemist purchase some Valium to help me sleep on the boat. The journey's are pretty uneventful, as you'd expect when you are drugged up like a Bangkok tiger. As we waited for the second ferry to depart we went for an Italian, great food and the lady that served us ( I think his name was Roger) was very friendly. We had the best meals of our stay so far, I pointed this fact out to Roger and he giggled like a little builder and joked that she cooked it with his own hands... we left, gagging. The crossing was pretty bad, but I only have vague memories of being on the boat, laying on the rubber mattresses and dribbling on the 'pillow'. I couldn't help thinking when I woke up, how many other dribbling drugged up people had slept in this very spot. The ferry took two hours longer than it was supposed to, not that it made any difference, I just dribbled some more and as the boats engines tone started to lower I woke up unsticking my face from the innertube like pillow and as fresh as a dog turd went to get a sophisticated breakfast on Koh Tao.

Day 10 - Phi Phi and we have a HUT !

Phi Phi was totally destroyed after the Tsunami, and they haven't done a great job rebuilding since then, the man draw of the place was the white sandy beaches and the crystal blue water, there is sewage floating in it and people have been littering, I thought I had got a boat back to Barry Island till I realised there was no shopping trolleys on the beach. The place is overrun by cats, which is a good thing, they keep the rats away from the rubbish bags. The friendliest barman in the world pointed out that they help keep the snakes away...great, he said "keeps them away" but I heard "there is snakes", he told me this as I was shoulder deep in the water of the murkey pool that butted up to the bar that he was working at, a couple of beers later and Sameep and I were sipping on a bucket of alcohol, lovingly made by a street vendor for £3. They use locally made Vodka, and I'm sure you are aware Thailand isn't famed for its Vodka. We were fucked. We had a crafty Shisha pipe on the beach talked to Tony the buff Australian, then went back to the hut of love. We had a hammock on the porch so we talked shite, for a few more hours, we had an early night and dispite my farting and Sameeps snoring we were rearing to go the following morning.

Day 11 - Thai Boxing

Full of enthusiasm after getting our hut, we decided to move to a room that was closer to the 'action'. We moved into a place half the price of the previous love shack, it was 5 feet from the loudest place on on the island the Reggae bar. This isn't any old Reggae bar, there is a Thai boxing ring in the middle, if you want to have a fight, they give you a 'free' bucket of alcohol. The contents of the bucket are questionable, there is some home made rum / vodka / whisky. I used '\' as I'm pretty sure it is the same thing but the bottle has a different label on it. All the buckets are 4 star unleaded and can run most cars or Tuktuks. As soon as we had put our bags into the room it was that time of the day where we have a little 30 minutes chill time. This is the travelling equivalent of a board room meeting. We use this time to create a plan for the day, we decidede, more food was a good idea, then a cheeky beach session, then a siesta then on the buckets for a night of madness. Tomorrow we would head to Koh Tao, an island famed for its blue water and diving areas. It would mean a boat ride, a taxi ride, then an overnight boat ride to the island.

In the meantime that sea wasn't going to swim itself. A quick walk and we arrived on white sands, tanned bums, and douchbags. Unfortunately, the sea was pretty crap, the sand under the water was brown with something resembling algae, and I'm pretty sure there was sewage floating about in it. In the words of me, it was 'honking'. We decided to go and see the island from the viewpoint, it was about 800 steps and a kilometre walk, luckily it was only 32 degrees c and 100% humidity. Sameep and I lost about 3 litres of water through sweat. It was worth it though, the view was amazing.
After our epic walk I decided to have the siesta and surf the internet for a bit, while Sameep went off to find somewhere to get a lighter. No sooner had I typed in "www.hotasians.com" had he returned with two Australian girls we had met back in Patong. We arranged to meet up later in the Reggae bar and have a bucket or two.

Later in the evening Sameep and I had another meal to prepare our stomachs for what was going to be a long night, we grabbed a ring side seat at the Reggae bar, and started talking to Felix an Austrian mountain with a cheeky grin. He wanted to fight. We decided to be his managers / photographers / trainers. He was paraded about and a suitable contender raised his hand up. IT WAS ON !!!! Felix fought like a bear, a bear with a sock in his mouth (an Austrian gum shield ?) unfortunately it wasn't enough and the blind referee decided his opponent was the winner based on points.

Now this is where the shit got real. The Australians turned up and started on the buckets. After a short while a skinny tart was parading herself in the ring and was looking for someone to fight. 'M' one of the girls started contemplating taking her on. As British gentlemen we egged her on and told her to gouge her eyes out and kick her in the ovaries. She agreed.... IT WAS ON. I would describe the fight, but it would take less time if you googled "Hurricane Katrina". The whole thing is on video, and uploaded to Youtube, Click here

After the excitement of the fight / assault, we went to the beach to do some fire rope skipping. I owned it, and was skipping away like a pro, they kept speeding it up and eventually the seering hot rope slapped my ankle and I called it a day. What a day.

Day 9 - it's all gone pa tong.

We have to travel to Phi phi today a small island where hopefully we'll hire a beach front bungalow and settle down for 5 days. Lots of random people we have met will be there and it should be fun. I'm on a bus writing this we are heading to Phuket to catch a ferry. The bus has an in-car VHS player. No tv. And the driver runs a strict no farting policy. Something I feel is needed in more public confined spaces... The journey is a 30 mins then hour and a half on a boat. I sat next to a Danish girl reading 50 Shades of Grey, a novel about Phillip Schofields pubic mound. She seemed to be enjoying it, but they he is a talented and charismatic person so that is fair enough.

Phi Phi was totally destroyed after the Tsunami, and they haven't done a great job rebuilding since then, the man draw of the place was the white sandy beaches and the crystal blue water, there is sewage floating in it and people have been littering, I thought I had got a boat back to Barry Island till I realised there was no shopping trolleys on the beach. The place is overrun by cats, which is a good thing, they keep the rats away from the rubbish bags. The friendliest barman in the world pointed out that they help keep the snakes away...great, he said "keeps them away" but I heard "there is snakes", he told me this as I was shoulder deep in the water of the murkey pool that butted up to the bar that he was working at, a couple of beers later and Sameep and I were sipping on a bucket of alcohol, lovingly made by a street vendor for £3. They use locally made Vodka, and I'm sure you are aware Thailand isn't famed for its Vodka. We were fucked. We had a crafty Shisha pipe on the beach talked to Tony the buff Australian, then went back to the hut of love. We had a hammock on the porch so we talked shite, for a few more hours, we had an early night and dispite my farting and Sameeps snoring we were rearing to go the following morning.

Boat Buddies. The guy in the middle had Beats headphones ergo, he was a douche bag.

The fishing beach on Koh Phi Phi 

My first island sunset

The cliffs facing you on arrival at Koh Phi Phi

Sameep looking cool

Day 8- Morning Glory.

Spent most of the day sleeping as Sameep and I has a particularly late night. We didn't eat till 1am and when we did get back to the room we hammered the WiFi with a funny YouTube night where we compared videos of fat people falling over and the hilarious Felix Bumgardner impersonator...seriously...YouTube that shit. We decided to move to a hostel closer to the action as the 50m walk was a killer. We moved into the Kool bacpackers hostel and started taking over with our sharp wit and our ability to know a joke about any situation. I have a following of Australians that know me as the "sheep shagging terrorist". I may have to rename the blog.
We used the day to organise ourselves. We have a plan:
5 days on the island of Phi Phi. Leaving tomorrow.
5 days on (Koah phanan )
Fullmoon party on the last night. 7:30 we are on a ferry to Bangkok. 12 hours later and hopefully after a good valium induced sleep we will be back in Bangkok for our last night before the madness of India and the wedding kicks off. Sameep has been telling me some of the different traditions and oddities I'm going to be in for...I won't spoil the fun.

Day 7 - Phuket

Day 7

Rough as a badgers arse again... it appears that the 8-9th pint is dodgy and leaves you feeling like crap in the mornings. It's an odd one, I might have to start drinking shots or try out the local rum.
The flight was booked for 7:30pm so we had a few hours to burn. We went to some traveller friends pool and swam the back doors off of it., it is the first time I have been in the water since being here so I was all over it porpoising doing dolphin impressions and seeing how long I could hold my breath.... I know I'm childish. I caught the sun, and appear to have recovered from my hangover.

The flight was uneventful. Legroom suitable for a amputee, usual stuff.

PHUKET !!!!!!!! (pronounced fuckit)

As soon as we arrived we left, straight to Patong, named after the noise a ping ball makes as it is ejected by the local ladies. The bus ride is about 45 minutes and I chatted to an interesting Canadian, she is living in Montreal studying Political Science, has travelled all over the world and is going to New Zealand for a year. Oh and she sailed the Atlantic last year...as you do.
Patong is basically a giant red light district. It seems a little seedier than Bangkok lots of attractive ladies standing about smiling... they seem really friendly. We found a hotel with all the things we need... Aircon, shower and somewhere we can store our valuables... a safe that isn't nailed to anything, and in fact weighs about 2kg. If anything it would help when stealing my shit, as you know it's all in one place. Some people make two short planks seem like a computer. After writing to this far we headed out .... Jesus titty fucking christ....check out the pictures. The place made Bangkok look like a Saga holiday. No self respecting man over 40 is seen without a Thai woman hanging off his arm. As you walk from bar to bar you are groped propositioned and winked at. Every bar has a woman dancing on a pole. Obviously I hate it as it is demeaning. Ha ha.

Day 5 - Sameeps arrival

I set my alarm for the crack of dawn ... we'll 8am and was up and ready to tackle the day by 11 sharp. I started canvassing hostels, and by 11:03 settled down for breakfast. A steaming bowl of chickeny soupy noodlish...thing. It was great.The beer finished it off nicely. The new hotel didn't have a pool but was half the price and the only place that I could find that had twin beds and didn't require me putting too much effort in. Feeling chuffed, full and organised I took my honking skidded pants to the laundrette and decided to get a Tuktuk out for a bit of sight seeing. The reclining or sleeping Buddha was closed on Sundays for some religious thing. I opted for the less well known glass Buddha. To save people time effort and a life risking ride in a tuktuk...don't bother. The guide was very knowledgeable telling me about the Buddhist religion and saying that the three Buddhist statues on the alter (?) were solid gold. My arse. These things were about three feet high and as you all know Buddha is a fat fucker so there must have been a tonne of gold. Literally. I joked about the need for the big strong ornate doors to keep light fingered people from taking the gold "nobody would steal a Buddha! ". I had insulted him. He walked off to chat to some other tourists and left me...a light fingered lad from Barry. I looked at the statues for a weak point. A toe or nose would pay for hostels for the next few weeks. A foot would see Sameep and I driving round Thailand in a Ferrari. I weighed up the pros and cons and decided that the prison term for pulling a foot off of a Buddha would be hefty and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have many friends either while I was in there as the Buddhists account for about 95% of the population. I hopped on to my tuktuk for a death defying drive back to the hostel.
Sameep arrived on the flight from India looking like a heap of jet lagged shite. A crafty redbull and we were on the piss, Mothball 3000 style. The remainder of the night is sketchy but I woke up drunk and semi clothed on the floor of the room.

Day 6 - Hungover

Day 6

Not a great deal to say here as we spent it pretty much drunk / sleeping. In the evening we started again. We did however decide that we should head to Phuket the following day a flight was about £20 more than a 14 hour bus ride so booked an afternoon flight and tapped up the local travellers for advice on where to stay. Aparently Phuket is a craphole (saying this while sat on Koah San Rd, does make you wonder !) we were advised that the best place to stay would be Patong. It is sleezy and there are loads of 'ladies of the night' hopefully I'll get some good pictures and we'll head off to the islands and see what nature has to offer in this part of the world. Spent a small fortune, (actually did spend a lot) had a couple of Shishas, Jeager bombs, shots beers etc... hung out with Dutch people Brits and a load of random people. Travelling is great.
I'll need to check the bank situation soon and start thinking about budgeting I don't own an oil well so I'll need to stop acting like a Sheikh.

Day 4 - f*&ck this... back to Bangkok.

The island is shite, rubbish everywhere and the accommodation was crap too if I wasn't alone I may have stuck it out... but no need for this level of squalor. Quick ride on the back of Thailand's answer to Nitro Circus - fishing trawler - moped taxi - white van - moped taxi and I was home sweet....no way ...fully booked! Like a virgin about to shite out a messiah I found myself going from hostel to hostel eventually finding a place which looked like an oasis in a sea of chavs. Quiet little pool, WiFi and a cold beer. Tidy.
I had a little snooze and was awoken by the ever increasing din from the crowds forming in the infamous Koah San road. I got up had another beer and went on the hunt for a ladyboy to take a picture of. This place is mad. You can buy anything from driving licenses to roasted scorpions or if you are a 'fanny' you can settle for a local beer. After a couple of hours of playing spot the 'shemale' and staring at women's crotches hoping to catch a glimpse of a dudes 'mangina' bouncing about behind a skirt like a kid playing hide and seek behind a curtain I called it a night. Sameep arrives tomorrow and so does the random madness.

Day 3

Well. As planned I was heading to an island. Ko Sichang. It was a pretty straight forward 'A'to B' trip involving a sky train then a normal train then a taxi ride to the bus station then get on the number 5 'white van' with seats in. Two hours later after watching a bootlegged copy of Total Recall in Thai on a tv system called "Fanny" (the mobile Thai version of TiVo I suspect) I was there...at the side of a road. A quick hop onto Tuktuk and I was there...at the port... 45 minutes on a fishing trawler with 30 other locals and I was on the island. I wondered about for a bit till was starting to get stared at by the local hags that run the road side bbq snack stalls. It is worth pointing out that there is one after another all selling the same mini kebabs, all at the same prices. Saturated market obviously isn't something they have worked out. I picked the least 'witch like woman' and asked her in my best Thai "DO YOU HAVE A MAP".... she replied with Tuktuk. That'll do. A local motorbike Taxi came to the Rescue "Hostel - Cheap - Beach" He grabbed my smaller back pack bag put it over his chest and I hopped on the back. I'm 6ft 4 weigh close to 100kg, I have a 60l back pack on my back. In order for things to stay upright there needs to be something called ballast.. weight at the bottom. I had two legs that look like they should be hanging out of a KFC mega-bucket and a pair of Primark Premium flip flops.

So off we went. With the the agility of a Gazelle and the speed of a greased up sky diving Rhino. Finally we arrived at a POW camp and after inspecting the landfill / beach I settled down for the night. Not before feeding the local mosquito's from my McDrumsticks.

The smog is honking and (View from the bangbus )

Conservation Crab 'Condo' with condoms and crap.

Day 2

A surprisingly easy morning no hangover but I had a lie in I deserved it. By 11 my room mates hadn't woken so I hopped on trip advisor to plan a cheap and interesting excursion that would ease me into travelling and start testing my bartering, orienteering, and help me understand how the locals did things. I found a temple that was a mile away and was situated at the top of a man made hill, the walk and three hundred steps would reward me with a stunning view and the first notch in my travelling bed post.
By the time I had logged the location in my phone got a rough idea of direction packed my camera it was lunch time and the room mates were awake and ready to show me where to get the best pancakes. I put the temple mission on hold and took the advice of the room mates and we headed to a food court. For a well earned noodle / pancake extravaganza. After spending a kings ransom on food (£1.20) we began the journey. An hour and twenty walking in 33 degree heat. Luckily GPS and trip advisor had us on the right track. With 800ft to go we couldn't see any towering temple in fact we had stumbled into ass banging territory.  We decided to check our bearings with a local ladyboy and it confirmed our suspicions. We were way off. 40 minutes in a taxi in the opposite direction saw us arrive just in time for the place to close and the ordinarily peace loving Buddhist monks usher us out the door with a polite "fuck off honkey" only a Buddhist can pull off. So we fucked off and headed back to the hostel in a taxi after a semi successful trip. Your first time is always shite anyway. A quick shower and a change into long trousers and proper shoes and we were off for a bit of posh at the hotel where hangover2 was filmed. On the 64th floor is a terrace where you can rub shoulders with other tight arsed people just wanting a picture. Great cocktails amazing view and crazy prices we attempted to get a picture of us in the pose of the hangover2 poster on the stairs but the picture Nazis running the place put a stop to it.
All 4 of us piled into the back of a Tuktuk and sped back to the hostel breaking every health and safety rule, highway code regulation and sound barrier on the way. Early night for three trio as they were off to Cambodia at 4am and I had decided to go to an island a couple of hours on the bus away.

A random Buddha surrounded by Lotus flowers and other offerings.

This blurry image was taken while perched over the edge of the 64th floor.

The view from the 64th floor of the Sky Bar in the Labua Hotel

Day 1 - Bangkok

Spent most of the day sleeping but met my room mates as they sneaked into the room with the grace of a one man band. In the evening after a couple of hours sleep I went and had a bite to eat not knowing what the local currency equated to I expected to pay over the odds. I was right. It appears Dick Turpin was running the place and after an hour, three beers and a meal fit for a king the cheeky bastards fleeced me out of £4. Only mid way through the meal did I spot the "danger of poisoning " sign, the explosives warning and oh and the opening times were printed above. Handy.
On returning to the room I decided to have an early night to recuperate from the days travelling. My new room mates however invited me out for a beer and being technically Welsh I am genetically unable to turn down a beer or the chance to make myself the centre of attention. After 4 pints and discussions ranging from Chinese character formation to beating up paedophiles we rocked back to the hostel with a bottle of local beer bought from a curbside karaoke bar that was still going strong at 1am with a toothless homeless looking guy banging out the Thai version of "I should be so lucky" in F sharp.

Just noticed how the explosion sign looks like a happy dude with mad hair.