Day 22 - pre wedding day celebrations.

Early start is needed today. We are going to a pre wedding reception thing where most of the guests will be, then after a couple of hours rest we would be going to a music / food event, the winner of of a national Indian talent competition will be there Mirande Shah, oh and Sameep will be dancing. I put those two things together as seeing them both is that important to me. Sameep has been practising on and off for the last few hours and without fail at some point has come unstuck, so his dance should be interesting. 

We all got tarted up and look pretty good, I look especially tidy in my Indian long shirt thing. I have forgotten the name of it and after asking Sameep's mother three times it is embarrassing to ask yet again,  I don't want to look like a complete Western idiot so I'll just say 'long shirt thing.'

After the obligatory pre drive photo shoot we all headed in cars to a sports and social place that has a function room.

When we arrive there is hundreds of new faces and names to forget Sameep patiently introduced me to everyone and I smile and nod, attempting to make a joke or two within the boundaries set by taste, international etiquette, using broken English and trying not to mention any of my colourful exploits over the last few weeks. One that works well is for when they ask if I like the food, I stick my belly out like a fat guy and say "no" with a cheeky smile. After a bite to eat there is a singer some more schmoosing and we are heading back to The Palace for a siesta.


The next function was an evening do, that involved the music and Sameeps dance, it required a drive into what seemed like a rural area, but thanks to a clear night, the north star and a bit of luck we found it.

                Iran's got talent                                                                               Wrexham's got talent

As it turns out it was an area of ground that was lit up with a thousand candles and had food everywhere, coloured cloth draped across the open air eating area, and, at the side of it, in font of hundreds of people, a dance floor. Sameep went pale and I beamed with glee. I mingled while Sameep popped to find the dance partners for a last minute rehearsal. 2minutes later he was back "mate, that isn't the stage, check this out," round the corner was a real stage. Rigged lighting, 12 x 12 foot screen as a backdrop, smoke matching even a boom operated camera!!! Brilliant. Sameep went from a pale tanned Indian colour to pure Honkey white. For some reason he wanted to practise the dance more than ever. After more mingling and being introduced to many random people I met the Groom. Tall, slim, and a Colgate smile. I'm glad he is getting married, he's too good looking to be single, and it sounds impossible, but standing next to him I looked ugly. I'm still taller though, that's something I suppose!?

I spent the next hour trying nearly every food that I could find space for, before long music started and people moved to the mini Wembley stadium ready for the entertainment provided by members of the family, friends and there was even singing by the bride's father. Sameep did his stint on the dance floor despite deciding to get a Henna tattoo on his hand 5 minutes before dancing, he and the rest of the dance troop were flawless and only upstaged by the great voice and stage presence of Mirande Shah.

 Sameep doing the 'shimmy' part of the dance.

 Someone 'tagged' my hand after I left it unattended for 5 minutes.

Sameep cleverly getting the palm of his hand painted before going to dance...with a partner.

I think she won India's got talent or something like that. There was lots of singing dancing and laughing. I tried to take photographs dance and not look too out of place. A difficult thing to do when you are three shades whiter, a foot taller and dance like a drunk epileptic. The music eventually stopped and we headed for the car.

I love the idea of friends and family performing, most of the dances were based on the bride and grooms relationship and they all told a story. I tried to imagine the artistically talentless mates of mine bumbling about the dancefloor or singing to my family offending everyone with their 'dulcet's'. Some things just can't be transferred from one country to another.
As soon as I got in I was asleep it was a long day and a lot had happened.

Day 21 - Pre wedding preparations

This morning were going to go to a family members house for food. It is a tradition that for a week proceeding the wedding, meals are all taken at this house. I guess it is a bonding process and also allows any wedding plans to be discussed. For me it is a nice way to get bombarded with names faces and small branches of a family tree that, when seen in its entirety would look like a Giant Redwood wrapped in Ivy. I smile and nod a lot, for some reason my normally bad memory for names is terrible. I'm literally remembering nobody.
Everyone is friendly and really welcoming I'm starting to see a pattern in the questions...the usual where are you from, then "what do you think of our food?" (I do actually like it)  everyone seems surprised that I can handle the mild levels of spice they are giving me. Little do they know I used to deliver curries for the Barry Balti in my Mg Metro, the perk of the job was a free meal every night. I was using 'chicken Phals' as eyewash after a year of that job.
After breakfast we headed back to the palace to pick out clothes and get something that would fit my 'athletic' but long frame. Not your standard Indian body type. I bought some smart shirts a pair of black 'slacks' and and I was loaned a 'shurwani' a sort of long Indian style shirt that stops just above the knee. A man arrived to iron the clothes the shoes were cleaned and before long we were ready to head back for dinner at the food house. The morning would be taken up with a ceremony / brunch then an evening do at which sameep would be dancing at. It is sort of a pre wedding brunch followed by a pre wedding reception. The real wedding ceremony would take place the day after.

Day 20 - India, the home of the corner shop.

After a comfortable flight near the emergency exit and some great plane food I was waiting for my connecting flight to Ahmedabad a place further north west. Even though the connecting flight was with the same company you cave to collect your bag. Walk through a scanner before heading to the pre departure scanner. Where your bag is scanned and sent to the next scanner while you are checked over with a magic wand which beeps and whistles warning the user of the presence of metals which is all ignored. You are waved on with the magic wand and you head to the door scanner where you repeat the process. Once on board the bus which will take you from international arrivals to internal connections you sit and wait, this is to feed the mosquitos and get you sweating.
The bus takes you to the other terminal where you get frisked scanned and pass onto passport / boarding pass control. For security reasons your bag is scanned and you are checked for metals, the presence of which is ignored. There is a woman only queue but they don't seem to notice men using it which does make you wonder if they are very observant. We had time for a crafty bite to eat before we were on another plane after a quick once over by security of course. An hour later we were met by one of Sameeps nephews, imagine a Bollywood star. It's him. He drives us up the wrong side of the roads tooting his horn whenever he blinks or breathes (I think that's how it works) however I feel like he is a good driver. Before lone we are at his family house the street doesn't do this palace justice. The family are architects and interior designers. The house is over 4 floors with the ground floor devoted to the business. I have taken photos of the house but wherever you look there is a new texture or surface that catches your eye. The house is almost as nice as the welcome I get from he rest of the family. What a great bunch of people. The 'tree of life' on the staircase is a great feature lit by my favourite diode. The light emitting one. It is late so after a quick tour of the house I'm shown my room and I crash out. What a long day.

Day 19 - Back to Bangkok.

Feeling a little drunk / hungover / off our trumpet we  hopped on a taxi. It is like a 4 wheeled Tuktuk. Open back, random' taxi buddies' and they attempt warp speed whenever faced with anything resembling a straight. The days travelling should follow this simple, 'easy to do after a night on the piss' method. Ferry to the mainland.  Busses from there to the bus depot, bus to the Airport, taxi from the airport to our place of choice. I won't bore you with no legroom details but we arrived in Bangkok with me requiring traction and a shifty beer. It was nice to be back in the relative tranquility of Bangkok. Sameep and I decided to get our shopping done he wanted some football shirts and I decided that Lucas (my mad but great brother ) would appreciate a 110,000v tazer / flashlight. If there is a power cut you need a light and nobody likes finding a dangerous bull elephant in their house while looking for the fuse box so I figured this would kill two birds with one excessive amount of voltage. After taking Sameep's 'Jew' lead I started haggling, offering 10% of the asking price then following their offended shouts with "give me your best price", in turn they would lie about their best price price and I'd follow it up with a sob story about not being able to afford my next meal. I'm starting to think that the old saying 'Get a girl to laugh and you are half way there' may also be true for haggling. After spending £8 on an illegal offensive weapon and three friendship bands for my nephew and nieces I was set.   We planned one last mad one, but settled for cocktails and an early night. The following day we were flying to India!!!

Day 18 - Full moon party !!!!!!

Team Lickity Splits woke 'earlyish' I was ok, not 100%, maybe 75% Sameep had decided to follow my expert doctors advice, I supplied him with Immodium and a large bore cork. The type you would use to bung a 'demi john', or a hole in the Titanic. Lewis on the other hand decided that his body was now a temple, I can only think that his temple had been the focus of a Jihad style attack, and that he wouldn't take pills as it was bad, Amy informed me he 'sharted' (shit+fart= shart) later that day as he ran to the toilet. I wish I was joking, poor lad.

Sameep and I had booked our ferry / flights / buses etc to get from the island to Bangkok. We would be leaving at 06:15 in the morning... no point sleeping really, we may as well travel off our trumpets on shakes and buckets. A plan was formed.

Most of the day was spent round the pool, playing ball and cocking about. After a short while an attractive blond and her 'bubbly' mate asked us for a game of vollyball in the pool using an archway that crossed part of the pool as a net, I offered to be on team 'Bubbly' and within moments I realised that the blonde girl had no voice, I joked saying I should have learnt sign language and threw some flappy hand movements up to add visuals to the joke... She replied in perfect sign and mouthed the words "I speak sign language"... crap I just took the piss out of a hot deaf person. I didn't know you had hot deaf people, they always seemed ugly in real life wore massive hearing aids and crappy bullet proof glasses. I tried to have a conversation with them both, making sure I pronounced my words well and faced her so she could read my lips. The problem is that when you are concious of someone lip reading you speak like a deaf person... IEEEMMMM FRROOMMMM WAAAALLLLELESSSS, I did the idiots sign for a blow hole, to help her, she was from America after all, Sameep asked how she had lost her voice, apparently she had been partying a little too hard. I'm so smooth.

I cut my losses and went to talk to the Irish lads that had started drinking by the pool. Yes, the same lads had drank enough shakes to bring down a Rhino the other day, we tried to add each other on facebook and gave up after realising that the WiFi by the pool was going up and down like a Kangaroo on a pogo stick.

Sameep and I had decided over a board meeting that we needed to get 'Douched up'. Luminous shorts, crappy vest tops and then get the face paint on, so we went shopping / haggling for the most stupid clothes we could find, luckily there is lots to choose from. A bite to eat from our Hostel a quick change into something rediculous, and we were off. The beach was packed, lasers, fireworks, douchbags, and music everywhere. Even though i knew i woukd have to be traveliing for 6 hours the following day i prepared for the worst and made sure i didnt take my phone cards or anything of any value. In face the clothes i was wearing were ideal i could be stripped of everything and still only be about £10 down. If you exclude my streed cred. Which, like a fabergei egg, is priceless. The night was fun, dancing music more dancing, drinking etc I did have the continual worry that in a few hours I'd be facing an epic journey back to Bangkok. Time slipped away and before you knew it we were grabbing our last few things getting ready to wait for our taxi. We whispered "cheereo" to the dorm buddies hot sheila was missing so no doubt naked somewhere flashing parts of her body only a doctor should see. It is now morning so technically the start of a new blog entry... therefore it shall be.

Day 17 - Lickity Splits

Well it appears that whatever I ate before during or after the fight disagreed with my stomach and it appears that, combined with my cold I will be spending the day in bed or on the crapper. The good thing is that toilet paper may as well be made from Pander hair here, it is as rare as rocking horse poo.... now bare with me, that sounds like a bad thing, however every toilet comes with a pressure washer like shower hose / head mounted on the wall . You use this to fire a blast of supersonic ice cold water on your honking 'nipsy'. If you are currently faced with the ability to crap through a sponge, then you will know how much like a brillo pad toilet paper can feel after your 8-9th wipe. A quick pressure wash of the 'rusty sherrif's' badge is not only cleaner than smothering your back end with paper but it is more comfortable, a blow dryer would be the ideal way to finish off the experience, but not all luxuries are available.
After about 8-9 times, I decided to ignore peoples warnings that Immodium just keeps the bad bacteria in your body, and therefore isn't the ideal way to deal with a stomach problem. I thought I could spend all day running from one 3rd world Karzi to another or I can actually have an alright day and just have an early night. I was in no fit state to go to the Jungle Party that was taking place later that evening. Rob and Amy were well up for it, but with the cold I had been fighting, the squits and the general crappyness I was feeling, I couldn't bare to do anything. I spent the day round the pool / toilet  / hostel, and in the evening I made the decision to stay in regardless of what my right hand man Sameep was doing, luckily he couldn't face an evening out either. There is nothing worse than a night in when someone else goes out, Sameep is one of those people that always comes back with a story, an adventure, something that makes you wished you threw your dialysis machine to one side, threw caution to the wind, roared into three buckets and two shakes before dancing the quick step into a mosquito bitten loo for a few hours.

I watched the Expendibles 2 and wished I was too ill to operate my laptop.

I got sent a picture of me smoking a shisha pipe from another traveller that I had met...I'll attach that rather than show you what a typical 'movement' looked like.

A flair for the dramatic.

Day 16 - Muay Thai

I slept pretty well, as you can imagine, apart from one incident where Lewis was carried in to the room by two guys from the dorm above, he apparently had lost the ability to work the key / lock and had decided to fall asleep on the floor outside, lucky for him he was now a local hero, for waking up on another island, and the guys knew where he needed to be. After quietly putting him into his bunk the guys decided to have a nice loud chat in the middle of the dorm, it is worth noting that we were gaining new room mates all the time, and a couple were on a bed opposite, they looked chuffed to bits about the interruption to their sleep.

The morning came and went, and by noonish I was up and ready for food. Over in the hostel bar they do a good coffee and a natter, so we headed over there to check emails, skype, whatsapp, facebook etc, it is a busy bustling office of gossip, and exaggerated stories from the night before. Our new room mates consisted of two Oz girls one is more chatty than the other, the less chatty one is really hot young but hot, I shall call her Hot Sheila. The couple, Amy and Rob, Amy is a pretty'girl next door'. big eyes and loads of freckles (mum used to tell me that freckled were where the sun had kissed me, it is a nice way of saying she had failed to shade me from the cancerous UV rays) Amy regularly laughs at my attempt at humour so I'd marry her tomorrow if it wasn't for beefcake Rob, a man's man that I later find out doesn't do anything in small measures...you are having a bucket of alcohol  he'll have two, you are having a 'shake' he'll smash three of them and a bucket. Good lad. 

Luckily for us all, Amy is sensible and can carry a camera, knows when to stop drinking and can often be heard 'tutting' under her breath as Rob dribbles into his 4th bucket with a smile on his face. 

During the extended board meeting we decided that a repeat of yesterday, while fun would cost a small fortune and is probably not too good for your body, so we opted to go to the Thai boxing fight that was being held just out of town about 20 mins walk from us. It was £3 for back row seats and the beer there wasn't pricey. We headed to the pool and spent the day being calm and catching some sun. Janita, a lone traveller from Holand had come to Koh Phangan, we had met her while having breakfast in Bangkok. From her story she was on a 'journey' like mine, getting away from 'life' to clear her head and have a break. She had decided to come to the full moon party and thanks to Sabina the landlady she was staying about 50 m down the road in another hostel for the night, so we had a new member of 'Team Hostel'

Throughout the day we ate a drank fluids preparing us for a quiet 'family night' watching a few people beat 50 shades of shit out of each other, starting with the kids section, kids as young as 15-16. It looks pretty hard core, but the ref was careful with the kids, more careful than with the adults later. Several matches passed, we all sat there and from time to time screamed, we were all deciding who would win during the pre fight prayers / meditation that all the fighters go through. This ritual consists of touching all the ropes, and giving thanks to each corner, thanking their trainers, Buddha and their family. I used a very technical method to predict the winner based on the Welsh flag and the colour of the fighters shorts with consideration given to the underdog factor. If everyone picked the mean looking guy in blue shorts, I picked red, if someone with green shorts appeared, I picked him. 50% of the time it worked all of the time, I felt like I was cheating with such a great 'system' so I didn't put money on the fights.
The final fight was the one that really stood out. An Israeli guy v a far smaller Thai lad. There must have been 3 (20kg) stone difference and about 3" (7.5cm) of height. The large Israeli population of Phangan's full moon party made a lot of noise, they were jumping up and down, waving flags, and grabbing the mic from the commentator to sing songs. They looked like they were having too much fun and for my Arab comrades I decided to back the smaller Thai guy. I saw one of these lads fight in Phi Phi and they may be small but they are nutters. The fight was a long one, the Israeli was clearly stronger, but less fit, the Thai lad was all over the place, a few punches looked like they'd have knocked out a 'normal' guy but the dopy skinny Thai lad was always back up and ready for the next barrage, then finally in what seemed like the 140th round, the Israeli just gave up. Litrerally, no blood, not even stumbling, he hadn't taken a punch in a while, he just signalled that he'd had enough. What a fanny. The Israeli crowd soon shut up and headed off to drown their sorrows by singing in someone's face and annoying other holidaymakers.
By now I was up for a crafty Shake or maybe a beer or two, so team 'Hostel' headed for the beach. And before long people were flaking out, calling it an early night, Janita and I made it to the Kangaroo bar, but I couldn't manage a Shake, in fact the beer I was drinking seemed to be a bit of a struggle. We talked for a while and before long we walked back to our hostels. Something in my belly wasn't quite right.

I published this without an important part of the evenings events being added. During the night, while I was asleep Hot Sheila came in totally ruined, off her trumpet on buckets of alcohol, and, during the night fell out of bed (top bunk), naked. She hit the floor like a sack of potatoes and decided to bend over in front of Rob in the dim light that made it through the ill fitting dorm door and try and pick up her shorts. I obviously engaged my 'go go gadget night vision', and managed to grab a few fleeting images for the 'bank' but before long she was back in bed. Instead of just going to sleep she stood up wobbling all over the place and tried to sort out her sheets. She was off her trolly. But the main thing was that most of us had an eyeful and went to sleep dreaming of naked Hot Sheilas.

The annoyingly good looking Rob and Amy...Gits. (note the Roger Ramjet chin on Rob)

From 12:00 Mad Lewis McFlicknife, Amy, Rob, Sameep, Janita, someone.

Day 15 - Tripping Balls

We woke up and the only other bed that is occupied in the 12 bed dorm is empty, the guys clothes are there but no sign of him. We mentioned this to Sabina, and we all came to the same conclusion, he pulled. Or is dead. Sameep and I headed off for some breakfast, I went straight in for the Thai food, Sameep had some nuts and lentels or something that vegetarians eat and we made a decision to hit the beach.

I had my swimming shorts on and the sight of those waves had been on my mind all night, I couldn't wait to jump about in them. Before that we had one thing to do, have a shake each. At the far end of the beach is the Kangaroo bar, a large balcony with mats on the floor and fans. Nobody up there is, well, all there, it is the place peoples sanity goes to rest. It is also the place to get a Spacial shake. We wandered in and met some Irish lads all in the same boat as me, pasty white and starting on their first shake, we knocked back the ice cold minced gravel in a cup and before long the call of the water was too much. I headed down and started porpoising through the waves with the grace of a Dolphin caught in a tuna line. After what seemed like half an hour of jumping about it became apparent that the euphoria of being tumbled about in the waves wasn't just because I hadn't done it for years. I popped my head up out of the surf and noticed something... the contrast had been turned up, everything green was, too green, every colour looked like your grandad had been at your TV settings... cool.

I spotted Sameep coming back from an attempt to get a ball or frisbee to throw about, as frolicking in the sea appears weird unless there is a bat or a ball involved. He was empty handed so I porpoised over to the shore to find out what his adventure had turned out to be. "Dude, I got lost, and I'm tripping balls." Let me draw a street map of the area ______|_____, one road with a T junction. Sameep isn't exactly Christopher Columbus, but even he should be able to navigate that. We sat on the sand and he explained what was going on, for him "Everything is bending, its trippy, but good," I had no idea what he was talking about. He said " look at this shell on the sand," I did, and sure enough within seconds, it looked like there was a crab or something pushing the sand slightly from below, it wasn't much movement for me, but for Sameep it was all over the place. We sat and chilled for a bit and before long a board meeting had convened, and we had decided head back, get some more food then attack the Kangaroo bar again later.

Back at the hostel, our room mate was there, we asked him how his night went and it appears we have the king of the party scene with us. After arriving from the UK, he was shattered and decided that rather than just go to sleep he'd have a crafty beer and reccy the area. A beer turned into a bucket and that was the last thing he remembers before waking up on Ko Samui, a neighbouring island. And by neighbouring I mean an hour on a boat. Aparently he woke up next to a fully dressed Whale, she pointed him in the direction of the pier and with no money and his new room key lost to Davy Jones' locker he begged for the money to get himself home. A friendly American lad hooked him up and after a ride back to the pier, then a taxi back to the hostel he was back. Mad bastard. He was tucked up in bed trying to work out what had happened when we popped our heads into the dorm to change out of our wet clothes.

We all went for dinner and with the extra vote from our new board member, we returned to the Kangaroo bar. The Irish lads were still there, in the same place, burnt and looking like 50 shades of shit. I have never seen lads look so rough but still have beaming smiles on their faces.

I roared into another shake, Sameep smashed the back doors off of his and our new friend Lewis hoovered his up. Before you could say 'Compus' we were all laughing our heads off and staring at the lights on the now dark beach. I ran onto the sand to draw a 25ft 'knob' all the time giggling like a little girl. I ran back up to take a picture of my amazing artwork and Lewis past me on the steps, he was going to pose on the end of it... I took the pic with tears of laughter running down my face, but apparently you need light for cameras to work, so take my word for it, it wasn't funny. You'd need two shakes and a couple of beers to really appreciate the artwork. The rest of the night was blurry, but my abs were killing me in the morning, I had been laughing till my stomach ached for hours. Top night. We headed to our beds and at some point I got split up from the guys, but Sameep wasn't far behind, however our mad friend Lewis was missing... again.

This is what I look like after a 'special shake'...

Dad would be so proud.

Irish lad number one asleep but conversing with people like he knows what's going on.

Sameep looking content with life / the railing in front of him

Irish lad number 2 unable to stop smiling.

Irish lad number 3, throwing some gang signs.

Day 14 - Mush mush to the full moon.

An early start was in order to catch the boat to Ko Phagnan the home of the full moon party we checked out and decided to walk the 300m to the docks in stead of waiting for the taxi / pickup truck. We arrived near the docks and had a traditional Ko Tao breakfast of Coffee, Bacon, Sausage and eggs.... Sameep had some vegetarian thing... leaves and some berries I think. Before long, some searching, a little confusion that is expected with every journey we were on the boat and heading to Ko Phangan. The boat was full which was a good sign... What was a bad sign was that it was full when it arrived to pick us up with people evacuating the island... Sameep and I were slightly anxious. The crossing was interesting, we opted for the air conditioned room, however, even sat at the front of the cabin where the blowers were as powerful as an asthmatic blowing at you through a drinking straw. After sitting there and getting used to the gentle waft of hot breath in my face, a member of the crew came to the room and started taking 20 baht (40p) for the added comfort of the waftage... Cheeky turds. We headed off out to the deck to catch some sea breeze and as it turns out, to get sea water and rain sprayed in our faces. Not the most comfortable crossing I have ever had, but it was interesting. 

On arrival in Ko Phagnan a taxi took us and about 4 women to various hotels hostels and crapholes along the coast. Eventually we arrived at "The Hostel" we were about 20m from the beach and pretty close to the epicentre of where all the action was going to take place in 4 days time. After putting our bags in the room, a 12 bed dorm, and starting up the A/C we headed to the bar and had a chat with the landlady to find out what the score was, where to go and what to look out for. We spotted an advert on the door before we left the room offering "special shakes". Sabina, our landlady made us one, advising that if it was your first time, it might be be worth sharing one. We did... nothing happened. We walked along what appeared to be the nicest beach so far, big rolling waves and pretty clear water, there was about 30 people on the entire beach which stretched for over 500m. There was a few duchbags kicking about but nothing too bad. It was going to be a quiet night, we had a candle light meal on the beach, like a couple of bum bandits, and after a cheeky bucket of alcohol we were back in our room. Oddly enough a guy that moved in a few hours after we had arrived hadn't returned to his bed all night... in fact when we woke the next morning he still wasn't there...He had obviously pulled one of the mannitees that was sunbathing on the beach... Good lad.

Sameep enjoying a rude joke or some 'in joke' that I can't share with you all.

Day 13 - Tong Ting and Ting Tong

After breakfast we ignored the offers of taxis every 20ft and decided to walk based on a faith that the places wasn't that far. It appears that people in Thailand don't like walking, in fact a moped gets used for journies from 20km to 20m, and mopeds are used to carry anything from 11 members of your extended family, to bridge supports and construction materials. Helmets aren't required, but then, neither is a test. They are treated like bicycles that need no effort.
We decided that we weren't going to slum it, we had 5 days booked on Koh Phangang in a 12 room hostel, so for 2 nights we could afford to have a nice place. We shopped around till we met the Koh Tao's answer to P Diddy. He showed us a cheap room, that "smelled" and then there was the more expensive "no smell" room. We asked if there was a better room and for the equivalent of £20 each we could have something looking like the honeymoon suite. We 'ummed' and 'arred' till he said that the only other rooms being used on the floor was by 10 Swedish women. Knowing we were being duped we threw our money at him and got the room for two nights. It was right on the beach, views of the sea, mountains, an air conditioning unit that could freeze a polar bear and a communal balcony that would provide great views of the sunsets. We grabbed a beer and sat on the balcony and had our board meeting. Slowly the Swedish turned up and after a chat involving the usual travelling questions 1) Where are you from ? 2) How long have you been here ? 3) How long are you travelling for ? They highly recommended we went to the Cabaret night a mimed show that is performed by Thai lady boys. It sounded like fun, and was free to enter. I'll include some pictures, And let you make up your own mind about how the night went.

Sameep, Frank, Mileage and Madam Blam respectively.

The boys in action

One of the singers

The Swedish birds

Sameep and I bored.

This is a picture of the best looking women there.

Day 12 - Koh Tao or bust.

In true Mileage / Sweet style, we left the planning of our journey to Koh Tao to the last minute and after a day in the sun, a couple of crafty beers, we went to the travel agent carrying our lives on our backs and asked if we could travel the 300km + to Koh Tao . Turns out that there is a ferry / bus / overnight ferry running that night. Yet again we land on our feet.
I pop into the chemist purchase some Valium to help me sleep on the boat. The journey's are pretty uneventful, as you'd expect when you are drugged up like a Bangkok tiger. As we waited for the second ferry to depart we went for an Italian, great food and the lady that served us ( I think his name was Roger) was very friendly. We had the best meals of our stay so far, I pointed this fact out to Roger and he giggled like a little builder and joked that she cooked it with his own hands... we left, gagging. The crossing was pretty bad, but I only have vague memories of being on the boat, laying on the rubber mattresses and dribbling on the 'pillow'. I couldn't help thinking when I woke up, how many other dribbling drugged up people had slept in this very spot. The ferry took two hours longer than it was supposed to, not that it made any difference, I just dribbled some more and as the boats engines tone started to lower I woke up unsticking my face from the innertube like pillow and as fresh as a dog turd went to get a sophisticated breakfast on Koh Tao.

Day 10 - Phi Phi and we have a HUT !

Phi Phi was totally destroyed after the Tsunami, and they haven't done a great job rebuilding since then, the man draw of the place was the white sandy beaches and the crystal blue water, there is sewage floating in it and people have been littering, I thought I had got a boat back to Barry Island till I realised there was no shopping trolleys on the beach. The place is overrun by cats, which is a good thing, they keep the rats away from the rubbish bags. The friendliest barman in the world pointed out that they help keep the snakes away...great, he said "keeps them away" but I heard "there is snakes", he told me this as I was shoulder deep in the water of the murkey pool that butted up to the bar that he was working at, a couple of beers later and Sameep and I were sipping on a bucket of alcohol, lovingly made by a street vendor for £3. They use locally made Vodka, and I'm sure you are aware Thailand isn't famed for its Vodka. We were fucked. We had a crafty Shisha pipe on the beach talked to Tony the buff Australian, then went back to the hut of love. We had a hammock on the porch so we talked shite, for a few more hours, we had an early night and dispite my farting and Sameeps snoring we were rearing to go the following morning.

Day 11 - Thai Boxing

Full of enthusiasm after getting our hut, we decided to move to a room that was closer to the 'action'. We moved into a place half the price of the previous love shack, it was 5 feet from the loudest place on on the island the Reggae bar. This isn't any old Reggae bar, there is a Thai boxing ring in the middle, if you want to have a fight, they give you a 'free' bucket of alcohol. The contents of the bucket are questionable, there is some home made rum / vodka / whisky. I used '\' as I'm pretty sure it is the same thing but the bottle has a different label on it. All the buckets are 4 star unleaded and can run most cars or Tuktuks. As soon as we had put our bags into the room it was that time of the day where we have a little 30 minutes chill time. This is the travelling equivalent of a board room meeting. We use this time to create a plan for the day, we decidede, more food was a good idea, then a cheeky beach session, then a siesta then on the buckets for a night of madness. Tomorrow we would head to Koh Tao, an island famed for its blue water and diving areas. It would mean a boat ride, a taxi ride, then an overnight boat ride to the island.

In the meantime that sea wasn't going to swim itself. A quick walk and we arrived on white sands, tanned bums, and douchbags. Unfortunately, the sea was pretty crap, the sand under the water was brown with something resembling algae, and I'm pretty sure there was sewage floating about in it. In the words of me, it was 'honking'. We decided to go and see the island from the viewpoint, it was about 800 steps and a kilometre walk, luckily it was only 32 degrees c and 100% humidity. Sameep and I lost about 3 litres of water through sweat. It was worth it though, the view was amazing.
After our epic walk I decided to have the siesta and surf the internet for a bit, while Sameep went off to find somewhere to get a lighter. No sooner had I typed in "www.hotasians.com" had he returned with two Australian girls we had met back in Patong. We arranged to meet up later in the Reggae bar and have a bucket or two.

Later in the evening Sameep and I had another meal to prepare our stomachs for what was going to be a long night, we grabbed a ring side seat at the Reggae bar, and started talking to Felix an Austrian mountain with a cheeky grin. He wanted to fight. We decided to be his managers / photographers / trainers. He was paraded about and a suitable contender raised his hand up. IT WAS ON !!!! Felix fought like a bear, a bear with a sock in his mouth (an Austrian gum shield ?) unfortunately it wasn't enough and the blind referee decided his opponent was the winner based on points.

Now this is where the shit got real. The Australians turned up and started on the buckets. After a short while a skinny tart was parading herself in the ring and was looking for someone to fight. 'M' one of the girls started contemplating taking her on. As British gentlemen we egged her on and told her to gouge her eyes out and kick her in the ovaries. She agreed.... IT WAS ON. I would describe the fight, but it would take less time if you googled "Hurricane Katrina". The whole thing is on video, and uploaded to Youtube, Click here

After the excitement of the fight / assault, we went to the beach to do some fire rope skipping. I owned it, and was skipping away like a pro, they kept speeding it up and eventually the seering hot rope slapped my ankle and I called it a day. What a day.

Day 9 - it's all gone pa tong.

We have to travel to Phi phi today a small island where hopefully we'll hire a beach front bungalow and settle down for 5 days. Lots of random people we have met will be there and it should be fun. I'm on a bus writing this we are heading to Phuket to catch a ferry. The bus has an in-car VHS player. No tv. And the driver runs a strict no farting policy. Something I feel is needed in more public confined spaces... The journey is a 30 mins then hour and a half on a boat. I sat next to a Danish girl reading 50 Shades of Grey, a novel about Phillip Schofields pubic mound. She seemed to be enjoying it, but they he is a talented and charismatic person so that is fair enough.

Phi Phi was totally destroyed after the Tsunami, and they haven't done a great job rebuilding since then, the man draw of the place was the white sandy beaches and the crystal blue water, there is sewage floating in it and people have been littering, I thought I had got a boat back to Barry Island till I realised there was no shopping trolleys on the beach. The place is overrun by cats, which is a good thing, they keep the rats away from the rubbish bags. The friendliest barman in the world pointed out that they help keep the snakes away...great, he said "keeps them away" but I heard "there is snakes", he told me this as I was shoulder deep in the water of the murkey pool that butted up to the bar that he was working at, a couple of beers later and Sameep and I were sipping on a bucket of alcohol, lovingly made by a street vendor for £3. They use locally made Vodka, and I'm sure you are aware Thailand isn't famed for its Vodka. We were fucked. We had a crafty Shisha pipe on the beach talked to Tony the buff Australian, then went back to the hut of love. We had a hammock on the porch so we talked shite, for a few more hours, we had an early night and dispite my farting and Sameeps snoring we were rearing to go the following morning.

Boat Buddies. The guy in the middle had Beats headphones ergo, he was a douche bag.

The fishing beach on Koh Phi Phi 

My first island sunset

The cliffs facing you on arrival at Koh Phi Phi

Sameep looking cool

Day 8- Morning Glory.

Spent most of the day sleeping as Sameep and I has a particularly late night. We didn't eat till 1am and when we did get back to the room we hammered the WiFi with a funny YouTube night where we compared videos of fat people falling over and the hilarious Felix Bumgardner impersonator...seriously...YouTube that shit. We decided to move to a hostel closer to the action as the 50m walk was a killer. We moved into the Kool bacpackers hostel and started taking over with our sharp wit and our ability to know a joke about any situation. I have a following of Australians that know me as the "sheep shagging terrorist". I may have to rename the blog.
We used the day to organise ourselves. We have a plan:
5 days on the island of Phi Phi. Leaving tomorrow.
5 days on (Koah phanan )
Fullmoon party on the last night. 7:30 we are on a ferry to Bangkok. 12 hours later and hopefully after a good valium induced sleep we will be back in Bangkok for our last night before the madness of India and the wedding kicks off. Sameep has been telling me some of the different traditions and oddities I'm going to be in for...I won't spoil the fun.

Day 7 - Phuket

Day 7

Rough as a badgers arse again... it appears that the 8-9th pint is dodgy and leaves you feeling like crap in the mornings. It's an odd one, I might have to start drinking shots or try out the local rum.
The flight was booked for 7:30pm so we had a few hours to burn. We went to some traveller friends pool and swam the back doors off of it., it is the first time I have been in the water since being here so I was all over it porpoising doing dolphin impressions and seeing how long I could hold my breath.... I know I'm childish. I caught the sun, and appear to have recovered from my hangover.

The flight was uneventful. Legroom suitable for a amputee, usual stuff.

PHUKET !!!!!!!! (pronounced fuckit)

As soon as we arrived we left, straight to Patong, named after the noise a ping ball makes as it is ejected by the local ladies. The bus ride is about 45 minutes and I chatted to an interesting Canadian, she is living in Montreal studying Political Science, has travelled all over the world and is going to New Zealand for a year. Oh and she sailed the Atlantic last year...as you do.
Patong is basically a giant red light district. It seems a little seedier than Bangkok lots of attractive ladies standing about smiling... they seem really friendly. We found a hotel with all the things we need... Aircon, shower and somewhere we can store our valuables... a safe that isn't nailed to anything, and in fact weighs about 2kg. If anything it would help when stealing my shit, as you know it's all in one place. Some people make two short planks seem like a computer. After writing to this far we headed out .... Jesus titty fucking christ....check out the pictures. The place made Bangkok look like a Saga holiday. No self respecting man over 40 is seen without a Thai woman hanging off his arm. As you walk from bar to bar you are groped propositioned and winked at. Every bar has a woman dancing on a pole. Obviously I hate it as it is demeaning. Ha ha.